i can decide if what i’m reading is important to me and how it affects me. i get the option to pick those things. i can read something and completely disagree with it, then i can let it go.i don’t have to keep it with me.
and the really cool thing is i do get to keep such amazing things. i get to keep relationships with people i deeply care about. they get to stay in my life. i don’t have to keep the ones who hurt me. i only get to keep the ones i love. the ones i care about. the ones who are important. the ones who challenge and change me.
i like to be challenged. i don’t like things to come too natural or with little effort. things don’t mean as much if i don’t have to work for them. i think easy/simple things are important and should be valued in life. but they don’t always stretch me or force me to grow in one way or another.
i have a great appreciation for the simple. i have gained so much from simple things. there are so many people who simply came into my life, and i wasn’t challenged to let them in, they just naturally fit in. whether it was through working at camp together, thursday night dinners, late night emails or just walks around downtown bellingham. it was through these simple things that great people have come (and some left) my life. these simple things all had the ability to just be those simple things, nothing more, but i made room in my life for the simple things to grow, and in a lot of ways the people i was with made room in their lives too. we made space for each other. that came easier for some than others. but making the space was important. we needed the time to grow and nurture our relationship.
it’s funny though. there is another side to it all to. i think i get caught up and worry a lot in different situations. i worry i’m not doing what others expect from me. i panic because i don’t know what to do. so instead of figuring out what to do as a team with the other person. i push them away. i think that way i’m challenging myself. to see if i can do it on my own. to see if they really do matter. and in a lot of ways that is where i get in trouble. i’m probably not always the best at communicating what i’m thinking in a specific moment. i like to think, write, think some more and then let someone know where i’m at. in that system things get lost sometimes, and the communication between me and any person gets broken, and hurt. and in the end i generally hurt myself. and i don’t know what to do with that. so instead of sitting and letting myself be broken, i try to do anything and everything i can to fix myself and fix the situation. sometimes though. i really just need to stop and be broken. and let the healing take its course. [1.12.08]
kind of a long quotation. but it’s interesting to read. a year ago i really was in a very different place, and when i wrote this i was in yet another different place, and now i’m here. i’m in yet another completely different place. i think it is interesting to go back and find scraps of paper with things written on them. or to come across an old notebook and read through some of the pages. each time, i feel like i’m in a different place in life (which is generally true, because odds are the notebook from a long time ago, or i find something that’s been hidden in a box for quite some time, so in reality, it is a different time, and different place altogether).
i don’t know. i guess i’ve spent some time thinking about this past year a lot lately. how things were really different, and it’s almost like i’ve had a few phases of life all playing their course throughout the year.
the internship phase. the good phase. the broken phase. the learning phase. the summer phase. the independence phase. the transition phase.
a lot of these phases have overlapped and been parts of other phases. it’s interesting how each phase has played out, and played a different role in my life as i’ve gone through them.
