as 2009 begins. i am thinking about independence.

over the last 6 years, i have become a very independent person. i was talking to my mum the other day, and she reminded me of a girl who would not hang out in her room alone. who would not sit in a room by herself for more than 5 minutes (if that). who would throw a fit if she was told she was going to be left alone for more than a few hours. i “needed” to be around people. i didn’t like to be alone. i think that some of that is because i didn’t like [or really know] who i was, so why would i want to spend time alone with someone i didn’t really like [or know].

now, since i’ve been in college, i’ve transformed and discovered that i really do appreciate freedom and the ability to do things on my own. i enjoy time alone away from people [don't get me wrong, i love people] but i appreciate time away. the two previous christmas breaks [not this year, but the two years before]. i’ve had big breaks from people. i’d puppy sit for my friends goat & carole out at camp. it would generally be just me & smokey for 1-2 weeks. i appreciated and sometimes hated those 1-2 weeks. the first year. i loved it. for the most part. i got to read what i wanted. watch whatever i wanted on tv. sleep late. anything and everything i wanted. it was great. a nice break from school. the next year was a bit harder. at first i loved the freedom and isolation. but it began to wear on me. i think it was because i was in a different place than the year before. there were different people, making different impacts on my life. and i needed people. this year for christmas, i didn’t need to puppy sit. so i stayed in town. and discovered how much i need people. but also how much i love my independence.

i don’t think i’ve ever gone to eat a meal in a restaurant on my own. that i think would be the final step to complete independence. i think that i could do it. i think that i am capable. i just often can’t justify spending money on a meal that i’m not sharing and enjoying with friends or family.

sitting and reading for hours on end. playing with my computer. writing, creating, reading. all so good. i enjoy the time to myself. i don’t have to worry about being “on” or entertaining others. i can exist and see what happens. and i’m not restricted to do what my friends are doing. i can change direction, plans, everything, on whatever whim i want. rather than being restricted by those around and with me. i appreciate the freedom.

well. i think that’s it for my rambling. time to go to bed.