gone.
she never wanted to die alone.
the last thing she’d said that morning was asking my mama to hold her. i can’t imagine the fear. she knew it was coming. but she’s always been a fighter. her body was trained to fight. polio as a child, continued affects for the rest of her life. giving birth to six, only raising five. being married for 28 years, feeling alone 28 more. she wasn’t going anywhere without a fight.
i had taken a deep breath. getting ready to settle in for the night. the labored breaths. it was the final stage. we didn’t know when. we just knew it was soon. it wasn’t going to be easy for me or mama. but we knew we needed to be there.
we heard it. the deep cough and final push for air. i ran for the hospice nurse. she came in. i stood next to mama holding her hand. you could feel it.
she was gone.
mama cried.
i called.
family came.
it was her time.
and she wasn’t alone.
the process of dying.
standing & holding her hand.
feeling her soft squeeze if you move.
seeing her vacant eyes.
remembering her spirit.
it breaks my heart.
i remember the strong,
independent and beautiful
woman she always was.
never being sure.
will this be it.
or will we have more time.
i always give her a kiss,
just in case.
this fits right now.
i hate the feeling when you know you’re going to cry. your lips quiver, your heart pounds, your eyes sting. your face clenches up, and then the tears start to fall.
you can’t stop them, no matter how hard you try. and it’s not little tears that slide down your cheeks, it’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy, your face tear-stained and your body heave.
you can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what could you have possibly done to stop the pain. stop the suffering.
stop this, stop what you’re going through.
but there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say. it’s the kind of tears and pain that need to be cried out, not talked out. and you know that you’re hurting people you love, but you can’t help it. and sometimes you just don’t care.
i know how you feel.
believe me.
wordless.
i know i don’t post much. but generally i at least have thoughts and words i want to write. but right now. i’m wordless. i have no idea what to say. how to say it. who to say things to. i’ve lost words. i know i’ll find them again. right now i just want to be home.
remembered.
tonight i went to the maundy thursday service at my home church, well home meaning the church i grew up in. standing there during the service making the same motions i’d made in the same pew for nearly 20 years of maundy thursday services, i remembered.
i remembered how few church services i have been in this year, and how few are on the horizon for the year.
i remembered the feeling of emptiness i’d felt sitting in some churches.
i remembered the joy & love i’ve felt in others.
i remembered the faces of people i love both within & outside the walls of my church families.
i remembered the places i’ve been and where i’m going to search out life & new adventures.
it’s good to go home every once in a while. you remember things. things that might not otherwise be remembered.
2 songs.
i’ve been listening to a lot of country top 40 lately. 92.7 is the only station that comes in very well here in park city. and i won’t lie. i’m a fan of country music. i’ve heard two songs lately that i just love.
one is ‘a little bit stronger’ by sara evans. go, youtube it. it’s good stuff. my favorite lines from it are:
And I’m done hoping that we can work it out
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
then my other favorite is ‘what do you want’ by jerrod niemann. also, go, youtube it. listen. fall in love. my favorite part of this one is:
I get so tired of living like this.
I don’t have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.
so there you go. two new songs. even if you don’t like country. give these two a shot. + i now have them in my itunes library so, if you wanna listen to them over & over again like i do i can help make that happen for you.
what do you want.
what do you want from me?
sure. that’s a line from a pop song.
but really. what do you want from me?
how do i fit in your life now?
what role do you need me to play?
i’m glad to have you back.
now just tell me
what you want from me.
journey.
‘we may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey.’
utah has been great so far. not what i expected, but it’s an adventure. i’m slowly figuring out where i fit and why i’m here. i know this is all apart of who i’m becoming. i am excited for the steps that are visible, but i’m even more excited for what i can’t see yet. i know there is more in-store for my time here, and i’m figuring out how to get there.
i don’t know what to do with you.
i can’t see you tonight
do i want to take you to dinner
or take you to dinner.
that sounds like the same question
but
i don’t know what to do with you.
i’m not emotionally available to you
we have always been good friends
but i cannot give you what you want
we can only be friends. nothing else.
so
you don’t know what to do with me.
i get it.
i won’t stand by and be used by you
i want to be your friend.
i want you in my life
don’t you see how important this is.
but
i don’t know what to do with you.
realizing that it’s not me
that you re the one that needs
to figure out what you want
i’m here. & i’ll still be here
just waiting for you to figure out what you want to do.
