alaskan adventure!

hey guys.
so i leave for alaska tomorrow.
i started a blog just for my adventures there.
so you should probably check that out all summer long. hopefully there will be lots of fun stories to tell!

http://megansalaskanadventure.wordpress.com/

searching the sunset

looking out i had hoped to find my answers.
i searched every corner of the sunset.
looking for what i was supposed to do.
looking for where i was supposed to go
hoping the answers would come.

i sat for nearly an hour looking. drinking warm chai. finally i had lost hope in finding my answers in the sunset. i stood and walked to my car. sitting inside, i set my chin against the steering wheel, hoping that a few more minutes of looking would give me my answers.

i was looking.
looking for what i was supposed to do next.
looking for where i was supposed to go now.
waiting for answers to come.

because of a movie.

today i felt a little silly. i let a movie get to me and tug on my emotions. i cried watching a movie for the first time in a long time [really, if ever, i don't remember ever crying because of a movie before].

anyway, the movie wasn’t really what caused me to cry. it wasn’t any sort of special/headlining moving, but i saw a preview a while back and thought, ryan philippe & channing tatum can’t be too bad. well, having not really thought of it since then, i just wrote it off as a movie i wouldn’t see.

then this year SJ & i got netflix. and in the scanning of movies that they had to offer, this one popped in my memory as being a movie that looked interesting. so i added it.  in the realization that everyone will be gone this week, and i should take advantage of netflix, i pushed some of the movies i’d been wanting to see to the top of the list.

putting in the movie this afternoon, i didn’t think anything of it. an action filled story with a love twist, and a tough lesson to be taught. that is what this movie held, but i guess for me it stirred up more.

it made me think of nathan.

it made me think of john, aaron, erik and so many others that i’ve not even known other than hearing their names that have been or are currently there.

it was heartbreaking. the realization that people are just not the same after being there. there is this fear that more can be lost.

remembering the heartbreaking hurt of losing nathan.

i remember the feeling of telling lisa at the wrestling match of what happened, how i stumbled over my words, not knowing how to say it, but knowing that she needed to know. i hated that feeling. i remember being uncertain of what to do.

all of it came back today, all because of a movie…

sunday.

it was a cold sunday morning. somehow it was always a cold sunday morning, even in the middle of summer. she rushed us out to the car, worried that we would be late. [despite the fact that we were leaving almost half an hour early]. there was a quick dispute over who got to sit upfront, and then we were off. we went to a familiar place.

we went there every week. going through the side entrance [no one used the ‘front doors’, except maybe on easter, or some other big holiday]. we arrived about twenty minutes before anyone else. despite the grumbling that came from me and my brother, we really didn’t mind being so early. it was nice to have time to settle into our favorite seats before the bustle and noise of everyone else started to pour the sanctuary.

each week looked pretty similar. we’d open with a hymn. the pastor would make some announcements. then we’d set the autopilot and flow through the order of worship. [starting on page 57 of the lutheran book of worship (lbw)] in my prime i knew the entire service by heart. i didn’t have to look down to know what was coming next or which words to sing. i still held the book open though. i liked the way it felt in my hands. and really, no one likes a show off in church.

the order of worship in the lbw was pretty straight forward. each page laid out what was happening at what time. it told you when to sit, when to stand, when to sing and when to pray. there were sundays where the lbw felt like a choose your own adventure novel. we would start in one place, then flip ahead into a different section, then come back for something else, then skip forward for a hymn. it was fun, once you knew what was going on.

there were always two parts to the service that i loved most. the apostles creed and the hymns we sung. the creed was a funny thing to be excited about, but when i was in confirmation i loved learning about the words and what they meant to my faith. i had the entire thing memorized at an early age. i still do for the most part.

the hymns were always exciting to see which ones we were singing this week. there was generally only three sung in the whole service, so it was always a gamble to see if you got one you liked. i had two favorites that i looked forward to. one was only sung during holy week. ‘were you there’ it is a simply hymn, very repetitive, with only small changes in each verse. it was easy to memorize. it had so much depth to it. even in my younger years, i knew this song held so much of the story of jesus.

my other favorite was ‘take my life, that i may be’. this one we sang a little more often than just one week of the church year. i always enjoyed this song because it said plainly what i wished and hoped i was doing in life. i hoped that God would truly take my life. and move it in the ways he saw fit. looking at where i’ve been over the last few years, i can see that he has been moving through me. i can see the people he’s put in my life. i can see the things i have done to glorify him and honor him in my life. i remember in certain moments that i didn’t see or understand where i was going or why, but looking at the bigger picture, it is starting to make sense. i understand why i came to western. i see why some people have been in my life and faded out. i see why i’ve done the things i’ve done. the individual moments may hurt and i may not understand why.

‘take my hands and let them move, at the impulse of thy love; take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.’

the big pictures is beautiful.

alaska.

as excited as i am for an adventure to alaska this summer, this past week has reminded me in so many ways why i won’t stay in alaska forever. i have far too many amazing friends, a great community, a church that cares for me more than i know, and so much more here in bellingham (or at least washington).

so i want to reassure myself/friends/family/whoever, that i will be gone for 5 months. but when i come home, i’ll be very excited to be back home.

avellino

i opened the creaky door and walked into a familiar place. people have asked me why i love it here so much. i keep trying to figure out the best way to answer this. there is just something different about it.

the atmosphere,

the location,

the baristas,

the other regulars,

all of these things play into why i can spend hours perched upon a wooden chair, especially if it is at the window.

i have a favorite spot to sit, the large table by the window. sitting there with the sun pouring in [if you are lucky enough to see sun] from outside and friends floating in and out telling stories of adventures past and yet to come.

laughing.

there is generally lots of laughing.

one afternoon sticks out to me. i was sitting in my favorite spot, with a friend. he was another regular i met through some mutual friends. people kept coming in, stopping at our table, either chatting with him or with me. soon our friends came and joined us.

the door continued to open and close, between the four of us, we probably knew about half the people who came in and laughed every time we made another connection with someone who floated in from outside. it’s a silly and strange thing, but that afternoon was one of the best i’ve had here. nothing exciting or crazy happened.

we were just

sitting,

laughing,

and sharing.

life was happening.

apologies.

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away

[ i am starting to fade. i'm not ready to leave yet. but i think i need to go.]

I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay and if it had all been for the best

[it's going to be hard to be somewhere new and different, but really it will be good.]

I wouldn’t feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it’s crazy
How love stays with me

[love does stay with me. the friends and family that are a part of my life here will stay with me. sure when i come home they might not be here. i might not get sunday night family dinners anymore. but they are still family. it will be interesting to see how the relationships with people i have now  will grow and change in the next few months, then the next year, and onward.]

You know it hurts me
Cause I don’t wanna fight this war

[i've been fighting to stay here for so long. i am tired of fighting. i need to go. it's been so safe here. it's time to be unsafe. it's time to go.]

It’s amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies

My love is like a blanket
That gets a little bit too warm sometimes
I wanna wrap somebody in it
Who can hold me in his arms

[finding something new. someone new. anything new. i want to love. so badly. and i'm not sure i can find it here.]

Cause when it got a little too hot in there
He was always stepping out for air and he froze
Oh he froze

He said it’s crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don’t wanna fight this war
It’s amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies

Yesterday he looked at me
With a tear in his eye and said
I’ll always tell you you’re my friend
I hope i don’t have to lie

[i want to always be friends. i don't know if we can if i stay here. it will be good to not be here.]

Cause it’s clear you love another man
I said you’re damn right

And he said
He said it’s crazy

[it a way it is crazy to leave. i have a job. i have friends. i have a home. i am content. outwardly. inwardly, i'm desperate for change. i need something different.]

How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don’t wanna fight this war
It’s amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies
He said it’s crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
That i didn’t figure it out before
And now it’s too late for a soliloquy

[i need to figure out my own thoughts. where i want to go. what i want to do. i can't do it with all the noise here. i keep trying to talk it out. but it's not manifesting itself here. hopefully this adventure will bring it out of me.]

It’s way too late for dignity
It’s time for apologies

[it's time to go. it's time to make those apologies and go. i'm sorry. i am. i can't find a better way to say it. i just make it harder to understand by adding more words. i'll just keep it simple. i'm sorry.]

independence.

as 2009 begins. i am thinking about independence.

over the last 6 years, i have become a very independent person. i was talking to my mum the other day, and she reminded me of a girl who would not hang out in her room alone. who would not sit in a room by herself for more than 5 minutes (if that). who would throw a fit if she was told she was going to be left alone for more than a few hours. i “needed” to be around people. i didn’t like to be alone. i think that some of that is because i didn’t like [or really know] who i was, so why would i want to spend time alone with someone i didn’t really like [or know].

now, since i’ve been in college, i’ve transformed and discovered that i really do appreciate freedom and the ability to do things on my own. i enjoy time alone away from people [don't get me wrong, i love people] but i appreciate time away. the two previous christmas breaks [not this year, but the two years before]. i’ve had big breaks from people. i’d puppy sit for my friends goat & carole out at camp. it would generally be just me & smokey for 1-2 weeks. i appreciated and sometimes hated those 1-2 weeks. the first year. i loved it. for the most part. i got to read what i wanted. watch whatever i wanted on tv. sleep late. anything and everything i wanted. it was great. a nice break from school. the next year was a bit harder. at first i loved the freedom and isolation. but it began to wear on me. i think it was because i was in a different place than the year before. there were different people, making different impacts on my life. and i needed people. this year for christmas, i didn’t need to puppy sit. so i stayed in town. and discovered how much i need people. but also how much i love my independence.

i don’t think i’ve ever gone to eat a meal in a restaurant on my own. that i think would be the final step to complete independence. i think that i could do it. i think that i am capable. i just often can’t justify spending money on a meal that i’m not sharing and enjoying with friends or family.

sitting and reading for hours on end. playing with my computer. writing, creating, reading. all so good. i enjoy the time to myself. i don’t have to worry about being “on” or entertaining others. i can exist and see what happens. and i’m not restricted to do what my friends are doing. i can change direction, plans, everything, on whatever whim i want. rather than being restricted by those around and with me. i appreciate the freedom.

well. i think that’s it for my rambling. time to go to bed.

2008 in 25 pictures…

small group.

grandma’s first surgery.

AL.

pw.

mustache bash.

dinner with some of the favorites.

bike trip.

tucker.

new car.

last one.

the people i spent the year with.

little brother.

real brother.

lost. best show ever.

lutherwood desk.

so great.

fleet foxes.

cody.

obama.

chaz.

avellino.

snow.

roommates.

birthday.

puzzle pieces.

tonight.

tonight i stepped into a place i haven’t been in a long, long time.

tonight i selfishly went somewhere to hear beautiful music, not expecting to enter the community.

tonight i sat in the rafters. alone. it was good. but i knew there was something happening in that room. i couldn’t sit alone.

tonight i stepped into a familiar room.

tonight i turned my head and saw a friend. she saw me slide in as well.

tonight sitting there, arms wrapped around this beautiful girl i realized something.

tonight i realized how heartbreaking it is that we live such a broken life.

tonight i also realized how thankful i am for the opportunities i’ve had to be broken. and i am so very very thankful for the ones who have picked up my pieces.

tonight i think i saw the beauty in the place i called home. a place that will always be home.